Flabbergasted

I thought that was the last post. But today i'd decided to post about it. It's so disturbing, so mind-blowing.

After all the rushing here and there from Tg Malim Chinese Methodist Church to my own church in Sentul, Kuala Lumpur and then back to Tanjung Malim, I was quite exhausted.

Then my friends from church and I had a very late dinner at the newly opened KFC outlet. I just can't be talkative. I was tired and my heart was heavy. But I received a gift from my room mate. It was just so... indescribable. I mean... how could it happen? But before I narrate even more, let me recall the full story, from the beginning.

In our Saturday fellowship, we had this little activity on Shepherds and Sheep. Everyone is a shepherd and everyone is a sheep. You can be this person's shepherd but another person's sheep. The shepherd knows the sheep while the sheep doesn't know who is the shepherd. The shepherd's role is to take care of the sheep by writing messages, giving gifts and showing love by not revealing himself or herself.

This room mate of mine who gave me the gift was my shepherd. And I only knew it today. But I think it was all God's plan. You see, he won a prize in church in the lucky draw and I had to rush back to KL for a while, halfway during the service in the Tg Malim church. So in that period of time, if i were to be around, he wouldn't have the "privacy" to buy the gifts and wrap them. I kind of doubt that he picked his lucky draw gifts and wrap them for me. But he didn't. I trust what he said. And later when we left for KFC, I lost them and I cycled too fast. They were actually stopping by at Secret Recipe. If I didn't overshoot, I would have known that he's my shepherd then. So now I see how God works. It may be puzzling at first, but the final result will be something that surprises me. And I wonder whether God sent him for me or sent me for him. Perhaps both.

I'm speechless now. Words can't describe my feelings. I have no idea what to do, or I have no idea what's ahead.

Anyway, thanks a lot, Joshua Tang.

Whatever

I suppose this is my last post for this blog. I don't know what to write.

I've been down these few days. No one understands me. Or rather, no one wants to understand me. They all thought I'm just someone weird. Hello, mixing with people who has no friends is my act of kindness. You guys SUCK for categorizing me as one of them. I was just being nice to everyone. What would Jesus do? You hypocrites!

Nah.. who am I to judge them. But what am I to worry? No one's gonna read this post anyway. I can say all the shit I like here.

What a wonderful university! With nonsense friends who, on the surface, says that we are like a family but in truth... Yea... sucks!

Self-appreciation?

Slowly, but steadily, I'm discovering my own personality. It's not a pleasant thing to do, honestly, as I slowly find out the ugliness within me. My thoughts, my acts, my behaviour. perhaps I'm too much of a perfectionist.

I always strife to be the best even at the tender age of 4. I could not tolerate any imperfection. I could not allow myself being punished and I thought those who were being punished are bad people. I was good, so I should never be punished.

I guess God didn't allow that. The more I want to be perfect, the more imperfect I become. The more I strife to be good, I get into troubles which I intended not to get into. Funny, eh? Think it's God's of of humbling me.

I'm still very unclear how will my personality be shaped into. Seeing my peers doing well in their respective areas, I sometimes blame myself for not being focused. I took lots of unnecessary actions. As a result, I'm not the respectable, favourable man as I dreamed to be. Ahh, forget it... I'm awesome as I am now.

Realization

I think he existed in this point of my life, is to mess up with my life. Or rather, I should not exist in his life.

Remember in my earlier posts, I did mention that I felt so good when he's not around. And I became down when he returns. No, it wasn't that I tried  to be mean. He's my friend and I still love him, just like anyone else. Probably more. I found out that I had a kind of fear for him. Maybe it was just some differences in personalities, I have my needs, and he's not the type that could give me what I need. Yet I expected so much from him.

Every time he comes back home and greets me, I have a kind of fear. I wish he could sit beside me and talk to me and share his feelings with me. Instead, he's more interested in the matters of other people. I even bought him expensive dinner so that we could just talk over the table. To be able to understand his needs is much more worth than the money spent. I just want to be close friends with him. I felt that strong possessiveness inside myself. I want him to be my friend, all by myself. I felt that other people are stealing him away from me, leaving me friendless. It's very hard to explain.

Whenever he tried to tease me in a friendly way, I immediately gave him a sarcastic reply. Perhaps I didn't want to feel stupid in front of other friends. But I will definitely feel bad after that. I don't know what to do. He's so hard to understand. Now I have this love-hate feeling on him. When he's in a good mood, mixing around with people, I felt neglected and I start to hate him. Probably I'm hating myself to even think of that. But when he's down, I'll do my best to stay alongside him. But perhaps he didn't like it. He prefers to stay alone, or he prefers that I'm not present in his life. I don't know. And these things are killing me. I screwed up this semester because of these.

I'm still trying to study my own personality actually. Often, I'll act strange to cover my ugly side of me. If I really were to act normal, people would have chosen not to cross paths with me anymore. I'm just... very ugly inside.

If I hadn't met him, will I perform so much better than now, much more motivated to do a lot of things, to hold leadership posts and everything? Will I be a natural leader, gaining favor from my Creator and people? I know my destiny, but if I don't do something to save myself from this problem, I'm just wasting that opportunity.

Christmas Celebration at my hometown

Today is exactly one week before Christmas. The Central District of the Chinese Annual Conference of the Methodist Church had a celebration in The Mines, Serdang. Well, Serdang isn't exactly my hometown. I'm probably half KL, half Selangor. I was brought up in KL in my formative years.

I glad that there's finally a mass Christmas celebration here at my place. After service, we left via chartered bus to The Mines Shopping Fair. As we arrived, we had 3 hours of free time to roam around. I was a little busy as I had to go to and fro Serdang KTM Station to pick up friends. Then we had meals and a little practice on the Christmas carols.

At 8.15pm, the huge group who participate in the celebration broke into two groups and stood at both the bridges across the canal within the shopping mall. We burst into joyful Christmas carols and cheers. The atmosphere was just awesome. And after the mass choir, we went back up for some performances by a local singer.

A little after 9.30pm, we departed back to Tanjung Malim. Obviously it took us a very long time to reach home as there was a little traffic congestion coming out from the mall, the bus didn't take the highway and Serdang is about 30km down south of KL. And Tanjung Malim is another 70km north of KL, if by highway. That's the reason I'm not asleep even at this time.

Hugs and Embraces

I was both physically and mentally tired today.

First, I had Fire Brigade meeting. It's actually a test today, on giving commands. Owh... I'd rather being given commands and perform drills. I think it didn't turn out very well, at least better than many others. Then, I went to town with my course mate. Besides having brunch, I went to the market to get lemons and he went to seek for the help of a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner.

After that, I went back home to take a nap since at 2.30 pm, I'll be joining a programme with my RAS friends. I was kind of reluctant to go. Thankfully, 4.30 pm came quite soon and I went back home to nap again before heading to church.

I overslept and I was almost late. During worship, I was so down that I almost broke down. But I controlled myself. We had some activities and at the end of it, we were told to take pieces of heart-shaped bread to the person you'd like to apologize or commend, and end it with a hug. I got two hugs and I felt so comforted. 

Recently, I'd been praying that someone would come and give me a hug. If not, to have a comforting hug from my Lord in my dreams would suffice. I know the importance and power of embraces. I expected to get it from someone I trust, but I guess he doesn't have the same trust for me. And he doesn't like the sense of touch, unlike me. I really needed them to affirm and to strengthen myself. Well, you can't get a hug without giving one, so you are actually giving the affirmation to the person you hug, too, while receiving it.

God hears my prayers. I thank God for that.

Fun in the midst of busyness

I wished that I have enough to rest or nap. Usually, after my 8am class, I have the whole morning till noon for a power nap. It didn't seem so today. I was rather busy today.

There were three important events today. Two happened concurrently. First, it was to manage a stall near the gym. It's Entrepreneurship Week. As a Rakan Alam Sekitar member, I was on duty to sell food with some other friends. Sales wasn't very good until dinner time.

Immediately after my shift, it was 6 pm and I had to prepare for two things. First, it was the Tamil Language Society officiation, then Kemuncak Seni in the Faculty of Music. I had to perform in the former and become an audience in the latter. Thank God everything was fine. I wasn't very late for KS, so I didn't muss much of it.

After KS, I was surprised that the officiation just ended. I managed to take some pictures with the group I performed. We even had supper that was prepared for the committee. Yea I just looooooove Indian food.