Flabbergasted

I thought that was the last post. But today i'd decided to post about it. It's so disturbing, so mind-blowing.

After all the rushing here and there from Tg Malim Chinese Methodist Church to my own church in Sentul, Kuala Lumpur and then back to Tanjung Malim, I was quite exhausted.

Then my friends from church and I had a very late dinner at the newly opened KFC outlet. I just can't be talkative. I was tired and my heart was heavy. But I received a gift from my room mate. It was just so... indescribable. I mean... how could it happen? But before I narrate even more, let me recall the full story, from the beginning.

In our Saturday fellowship, we had this little activity on Shepherds and Sheep. Everyone is a shepherd and everyone is a sheep. You can be this person's shepherd but another person's sheep. The shepherd knows the sheep while the sheep doesn't know who is the shepherd. The shepherd's role is to take care of the sheep by writing messages, giving gifts and showing love by not revealing himself or herself.

This room mate of mine who gave me the gift was my shepherd. And I only knew it today. But I think it was all God's plan. You see, he won a prize in church in the lucky draw and I had to rush back to KL for a while, halfway during the service in the Tg Malim church. So in that period of time, if i were to be around, he wouldn't have the "privacy" to buy the gifts and wrap them. I kind of doubt that he picked his lucky draw gifts and wrap them for me. But he didn't. I trust what he said. And later when we left for KFC, I lost them and I cycled too fast. They were actually stopping by at Secret Recipe. If I didn't overshoot, I would have known that he's my shepherd then. So now I see how God works. It may be puzzling at first, but the final result will be something that surprises me. And I wonder whether God sent him for me or sent me for him. Perhaps both.

I'm speechless now. Words can't describe my feelings. I have no idea what to do, or I have no idea what's ahead.

Anyway, thanks a lot, Joshua Tang.

Whatever

I suppose this is my last post for this blog. I don't know what to write.

I've been down these few days. No one understands me. Or rather, no one wants to understand me. They all thought I'm just someone weird. Hello, mixing with people who has no friends is my act of kindness. You guys SUCK for categorizing me as one of them. I was just being nice to everyone. What would Jesus do? You hypocrites!

Nah.. who am I to judge them. But what am I to worry? No one's gonna read this post anyway. I can say all the shit I like here.

What a wonderful university! With nonsense friends who, on the surface, says that we are like a family but in truth... Yea... sucks!

Self-appreciation?

Slowly, but steadily, I'm discovering my own personality. It's not a pleasant thing to do, honestly, as I slowly find out the ugliness within me. My thoughts, my acts, my behaviour. perhaps I'm too much of a perfectionist.

I always strife to be the best even at the tender age of 4. I could not tolerate any imperfection. I could not allow myself being punished and I thought those who were being punished are bad people. I was good, so I should never be punished.

I guess God didn't allow that. The more I want to be perfect, the more imperfect I become. The more I strife to be good, I get into troubles which I intended not to get into. Funny, eh? Think it's God's of of humbling me.

I'm still very unclear how will my personality be shaped into. Seeing my peers doing well in their respective areas, I sometimes blame myself for not being focused. I took lots of unnecessary actions. As a result, I'm not the respectable, favourable man as I dreamed to be. Ahh, forget it... I'm awesome as I am now.

Realization

I think he existed in this point of my life, is to mess up with my life. Or rather, I should not exist in his life.

Remember in my earlier posts, I did mention that I felt so good when he's not around. And I became down when he returns. No, it wasn't that I tried  to be mean. He's my friend and I still love him, just like anyone else. Probably more. I found out that I had a kind of fear for him. Maybe it was just some differences in personalities, I have my needs, and he's not the type that could give me what I need. Yet I expected so much from him.

Every time he comes back home and greets me, I have a kind of fear. I wish he could sit beside me and talk to me and share his feelings with me. Instead, he's more interested in the matters of other people. I even bought him expensive dinner so that we could just talk over the table. To be able to understand his needs is much more worth than the money spent. I just want to be close friends with him. I felt that strong possessiveness inside myself. I want him to be my friend, all by myself. I felt that other people are stealing him away from me, leaving me friendless. It's very hard to explain.

Whenever he tried to tease me in a friendly way, I immediately gave him a sarcastic reply. Perhaps I didn't want to feel stupid in front of other friends. But I will definitely feel bad after that. I don't know what to do. He's so hard to understand. Now I have this love-hate feeling on him. When he's in a good mood, mixing around with people, I felt neglected and I start to hate him. Probably I'm hating myself to even think of that. But when he's down, I'll do my best to stay alongside him. But perhaps he didn't like it. He prefers to stay alone, or he prefers that I'm not present in his life. I don't know. And these things are killing me. I screwed up this semester because of these.

I'm still trying to study my own personality actually. Often, I'll act strange to cover my ugly side of me. If I really were to act normal, people would have chosen not to cross paths with me anymore. I'm just... very ugly inside.

If I hadn't met him, will I perform so much better than now, much more motivated to do a lot of things, to hold leadership posts and everything? Will I be a natural leader, gaining favor from my Creator and people? I know my destiny, but if I don't do something to save myself from this problem, I'm just wasting that opportunity.

Christmas Celebration at my hometown

Today is exactly one week before Christmas. The Central District of the Chinese Annual Conference of the Methodist Church had a celebration in The Mines, Serdang. Well, Serdang isn't exactly my hometown. I'm probably half KL, half Selangor. I was brought up in KL in my formative years.

I glad that there's finally a mass Christmas celebration here at my place. After service, we left via chartered bus to The Mines Shopping Fair. As we arrived, we had 3 hours of free time to roam around. I was a little busy as I had to go to and fro Serdang KTM Station to pick up friends. Then we had meals and a little practice on the Christmas carols.

At 8.15pm, the huge group who participate in the celebration broke into two groups and stood at both the bridges across the canal within the shopping mall. We burst into joyful Christmas carols and cheers. The atmosphere was just awesome. And after the mass choir, we went back up for some performances by a local singer.

A little after 9.30pm, we departed back to Tanjung Malim. Obviously it took us a very long time to reach home as there was a little traffic congestion coming out from the mall, the bus didn't take the highway and Serdang is about 30km down south of KL. And Tanjung Malim is another 70km north of KL, if by highway. That's the reason I'm not asleep even at this time.

Hugs and Embraces

I was both physically and mentally tired today.

First, I had Fire Brigade meeting. It's actually a test today, on giving commands. Owh... I'd rather being given commands and perform drills. I think it didn't turn out very well, at least better than many others. Then, I went to town with my course mate. Besides having brunch, I went to the market to get lemons and he went to seek for the help of a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner.

After that, I went back home to take a nap since at 2.30 pm, I'll be joining a programme with my RAS friends. I was kind of reluctant to go. Thankfully, 4.30 pm came quite soon and I went back home to nap again before heading to church.

I overslept and I was almost late. During worship, I was so down that I almost broke down. But I controlled myself. We had some activities and at the end of it, we were told to take pieces of heart-shaped bread to the person you'd like to apologize or commend, and end it with a hug. I got two hugs and I felt so comforted. 

Recently, I'd been praying that someone would come and give me a hug. If not, to have a comforting hug from my Lord in my dreams would suffice. I know the importance and power of embraces. I expected to get it from someone I trust, but I guess he doesn't have the same trust for me. And he doesn't like the sense of touch, unlike me. I really needed them to affirm and to strengthen myself. Well, you can't get a hug without giving one, so you are actually giving the affirmation to the person you hug, too, while receiving it.

God hears my prayers. I thank God for that.

Fun in the midst of busyness

I wished that I have enough to rest or nap. Usually, after my 8am class, I have the whole morning till noon for a power nap. It didn't seem so today. I was rather busy today.

There were three important events today. Two happened concurrently. First, it was to manage a stall near the gym. It's Entrepreneurship Week. As a Rakan Alam Sekitar member, I was on duty to sell food with some other friends. Sales wasn't very good until dinner time.

Immediately after my shift, it was 6 pm and I had to prepare for two things. First, it was the Tamil Language Society officiation, then Kemuncak Seni in the Faculty of Music. I had to perform in the former and become an audience in the latter. Thank God everything was fine. I wasn't very late for KS, so I didn't muss much of it.

After KS, I was surprised that the officiation just ended. I managed to take some pictures with the group I performed. We even had supper that was prepared for the committee. Yea I just looooooove Indian food.

Gatal giler...

Before the Sun rose, I woke up on a couch in KLIA with my friend. Obviously we didn't have a good sleep. KLIA has been like an empty shopping mall after the peak hours of flights.

Other than not having ample rest, my lower arms were itchy. I had no idea why. Couldn't be mosquitoes. It's too cold for them to be active. Besides, my friend didn't feel the itch despite not having a shower since morning. It's just strange. Maybe my arms or fingernails had contact with some chemicals that I'm allergic at. Well, not that I know of. It could be on the airport trolley, the meal tables, the handrail... anything. Some parts of my lower arms swelled due to the scratching.

After a whole day of busyness, my hands are still itching now. There's no medication. Hopefully it gets better soon. Till then, even when my face needs a light scratch, I wouldn't want to take the risk.

Can't do much

Just had two tests today. In the morning, it was Organic Chemistry. It was...indescribable. I don't want to describe how it was. Just... not that good.

Next, it was Japanese. Yea, just one hour ago. It was 90% in hiragana. Now you see how difficult it was. Before that, I had a dance practice for the Tamil Society night. I forgot what I read because of that, and I didn't do very well. Sensei marked my paper immediately and I got 5/10.

I'm going to send a friend off to the US tonight. Okay I'm off to KLIA now.

Cheezy

I guess I started my day well. Had enough sleep and I was in time for lecture. After class, I went to town to buy some ingredients for my cheese cake. The only thing I didn't manage to get is lemon, but generally, everything went on well.

The cheese cake I made was based on intuition. I didn't really follow the recipes I read online. And it was really a small one. After I mixed everything, I tasted a pinch of it and I thought it was quite good. The only fear was whether the gelatin works or not. If it doesn't the cream cheese will not stay solid and will flow like molten larva. Thank God, after many hours in the refrigerator, it stayed solid. Maybe it was the egg as well. Eggs will hold the cake as one piece.

Then, I brought the cake to the seniors' house. All girls. Many of them tasted and gave positive comments and suggestions. I was delighted! Haha... will improve my skills and make a better one soon.

Directionless

I have no idea why I am so tired and lazy today. Not to the point of being exhausted, but just felt lazy and want to escape to somewhere where I can focus and think with my right mind.

The very first class was Chemistry. I already felt like dying. I just wanna run out of the class. Another feeling that crept up to me is the craving for food. I know I kind of skipped breakfast and I was hungry, but definitely not until the compulsion of eating and eating and eating again. I avoided it by taking a nap.

At 2.30 p.m., we had our Biology presentation at the Chancellory. I will be having a class at 4 p.m., but the lecturers came to my booth only at 5 p.m., while others happily packed up already. Fortunately, I text the lecturer earlier to inform her my late attendance. We were really, really late.

I just felt unmotivated. I'm not even sure what's troubling me, or maybe I just didn't want to face the fact, or I need to break them into smaller parts to deal with. I don't know. I wish someone's here to hear me out.

I don't like this... and i need rest

I wished I have more time to rest. The end of the semester is approaching, yet some lecturers still gave us assignments. We should be doing revision at the point of time.

I had to meet my biology group again to complete the project at KHAR. Cycled there. We will be presenting our work tomorrow. Hopefully it will be well. Besides that, I had to attend a Rakan Alam Sekitar meeting at night. Thank God it wasn't long.

Another thing that contributed to my tiredness is this friend of mine. I never understand him. Maybe I do and I just don't want to accept the fact. It could be my own problem. But it's not what I want. My personality is shaped by the people around me. And not that I have a hideous face or an ugly personality. I am just the way I am. And if I can accept your personality, why can't you?

Tired of thinking all these. If only I have a close-to-heart friend. Even one is enough.

Feeling Lost

Had a rather busy day today.

After the meeting with the Fire Brigade, I went for lunch with friends, and quickly went back to settle some church stuff and swiftly, I cycled to KHAR for the Biology project with my group. I didn't have the time to nap to cover the hours that I didn't sleep.

Ok, actually I wasn't very clear with what I wanted to do today. I was kind of disoriented. Not enough sleep, I'm sure! Very sure. In fact, I wasn't even sure with what I want, what I expect. It seemed like every desire of mine is not justifiable, or not noble. I just don't know how to express them.

Never mind. I guess I'll just sleep now and everything's going to be fine tomorrow.

Sleep, man... sleep!

I didn't have enough sleep yesterday night. It was barely 2 or 3 hours of sleep. Had to rush some of the assignments.

I'm rather sorry for my room mates when I printed the documents at 7am. Two of them were disturbed by the noise. I don't understand why it is noisier than usual. Maybe the surrounding was relatively quiet. Another one slept like a pig, undisturbed at all. Yea, I know him. The only way to wake him up is repeated alarms or just a slightly heavy push on him.

Due to my lack of sleep, I felt the heat on my limbs. The feeling was kind of awesome as I didn't really feel the coldness in air-conditioned rooms. But then, my body will long for some warmth of the sunlight, which to my delight, was there when I came out from the classroom. Still, the lack of sleep made me drowsy during class. Thank God that it was just presentations and not lecture.

After CF, I came back home and wanted to take a 45-minute power nap. But I ended up sleeping until dinner time. 4 solid hours of sleep and I did not even hear my alarm. I must be too tired for not sleeping enough for the past few nights.

My liver's at risk now...

Tired day

I don't like today. It's such a waste of time. Utter nonsense! My goodness, and now it's so cold! And I'm so hungry...

This morning, all of us doing EC II were supposed to submit our interview reports. What can I say? I just hated the moment when some of the classmates were told to scrutinize groups' reports other than theirs. First, they were already not very good in English. I gave the lecturer the benefit of doubt that she was trying to train the students instead of passing responsibilities. But then, is it fair, when they didn't read properly and they accuse us for not following certain criterion? You know, some people prefer to write creatively, not in an obvious way. With that kind of poor judgement and dissing, all groups got a D. Screw them! Now I doubt that the lecturer even reads our reports.

Then, the lecturer gave us some other assignments. We were told to look for articles for closed test. Wasn't that the responsibility of the lecturer? Never mind... I shall not question that.

Failed

Japanese class today. We had to present our sketch. We didn't prepare well. In fact, we didn't prepare at all. Everything was haywire from yesterday night to this afternoon. First, it was the number of people in the group. All of a sudden, two girls barged in. Fine. Then they did not even turn up earlier for practice.

The sketch we played in front of the class was a total embarrassment. Not only we didn't remember the dialogue, some of us we too blur to say anything. And those girls... my goodness! They didn't talk when it's their turn. They thought it was someone else's turn. This is the effect of not practicing.

But should I really blame them? I may, I may not. It's teamwork, anyway. Totally screwed up the sketch.

Later at night, I had a light conversation with sensei on Facebook chat. She said she graded my group 14 marks. Earlier, she promised us that she will not give any marks lower than 15. Since my group only got 14, I suppose we were very bad.

C'est la vie! You be kind to others and they screw you back.

A foolish day

Yea, I had free time the whole day today. Was suppose to complete whatever assignments I have, but I ended up spending a few hours taking nap, online and so on.

Just now I had Tamil class. I thought we only had reading test, but ended up we had another quiz, which I didn't prepare at all. I guess I screwed it up. But my lecturer kind of "helped" me. To me, it didn't matter because it's an audit subject and the marks will not affect my grades. Well, as long as I learn my Tamil well.

My room mate lost his voice. Poor thing. Last semester, if he's sick, I'll pray for him before he sleeps. But today, he looked tired. And he slept immediately when he returned home. Never mind. I think I'll pray for him tomorrow. This is the least that I could do.

Sigh...

How shall I describe today? Only 4 hours of lecture. I had lots of free time, yet I didn't spend it wisely. I slept a lot today, probably trying to escape from reality.

Had some cravings recently. I have no idea why I wanted a slice from Secret Recipe so much. I have yet to pay them a visit. Perhaps I need some cream cheese to melt in my mouth. Perhaps it's an antidote for my low spirit. Perhaps, I just need something sweet.

What else can I say? I'm rather tired with life. There're so many possibilities and uncertainties, just on one issue. What's more, I have many other issues as well. And I don't seem to be able to share it out. Guess I've lost faith in people.

I don't dare to say, but I kind of feel that life is meaningless.

...

I'm back to that mode once again. The negative one. Slowly. I can feel it. It's not healthy.

I find myself doing what I should not do, and not doing what I should do. I'm justifying my own sins. My heart is full of ugliness. I hate myself. I hate myself for being like that. I feel stupid.

Hopefully I can overcome this. Real fast.

The manliness

It's Saturday, yea... so it's Fire Brigade day. I finally had the chance of drilling with the water hose. My role was to run from end to end to deliver the message, besides carrying a roll of hose and run.

While running with the hose, it unrolls, which is what it should be. Unfortunately, it wasn't properly rolled, or I was a little clumsy and held the hose in a wrong method. The hose bruised my left knuckle. I didn't realize the blister until after the drill. Regardless of the tire and injuries sustained, I must say that it was a good experience. I felt a little of the manliness of a Fire Brigadier.

I always thought that firemen are much better people compared to the police and army. I lost a little confidence for the latter but still have some respect for the former. They risk their lives saving people in danger. What other job that is noble as this?

Lazy day

Today is a day with lesser stress, but it was rather busy.

I had to present a topic together with two seniors on Inorganic Chemistry. I didn't have to talk much as my seniors had took up too much time. Was it a good thing? I don't know. I wasn't very well prepared. It's not a topic which I'm good at. There were two presentations and written quizzes on the spot. We only had to do the one we were not presenting.

After that, as I missed the earlier lecture, I went to the class of another Inorganic Chemistry group. Oh my... the presentations were so lengthy and I couldn't wait for it to end. It was such a horrible time as I was waiting to go for PERKUPSI. Everything ended at 1pm, as if the Muslim guys didn't have to prepare to go to the mosque.

Nothing much in the afternoon except for lunch with TESL juniors. Strange huh? I'm not even doing TESL.

Had to walk in the rain for dinner. A friend couldn't come to my place, so I had to go to his place instead.

It's a lazy day.

Blur

After staying up late until 5 am in the morning, I was very exhausted. I had only 3 hours of sleep. All I wanted was just to lay in my bed and not getting up. But I had to submit my Tamil assignment, so I forced myself to wash up.

Today, I had only one class to go for, which was at 2 pm. After the class, I went back home to sleep until dinner time. I had a dinner appointment at the other side of the campus, which made felt lazy to even eat. I went, anyway, and at 8, it was a meeting with the English Debate Club.

I think I'm adopting a very unhealthy lifestyle. I slept late, have supper at 3am and long, frequent naps. Don't do what I did.

I'm still very, very tired now.