Realization

I think he existed in this point of my life, is to mess up with my life. Or rather, I should not exist in his life.

Remember in my earlier posts, I did mention that I felt so good when he's not around. And I became down when he returns. No, it wasn't that I tried  to be mean. He's my friend and I still love him, just like anyone else. Probably more. I found out that I had a kind of fear for him. Maybe it was just some differences in personalities, I have my needs, and he's not the type that could give me what I need. Yet I expected so much from him.

Every time he comes back home and greets me, I have a kind of fear. I wish he could sit beside me and talk to me and share his feelings with me. Instead, he's more interested in the matters of other people. I even bought him expensive dinner so that we could just talk over the table. To be able to understand his needs is much more worth than the money spent. I just want to be close friends with him. I felt that strong possessiveness inside myself. I want him to be my friend, all by myself. I felt that other people are stealing him away from me, leaving me friendless. It's very hard to explain.

Whenever he tried to tease me in a friendly way, I immediately gave him a sarcastic reply. Perhaps I didn't want to feel stupid in front of other friends. But I will definitely feel bad after that. I don't know what to do. He's so hard to understand. Now I have this love-hate feeling on him. When he's in a good mood, mixing around with people, I felt neglected and I start to hate him. Probably I'm hating myself to even think of that. But when he's down, I'll do my best to stay alongside him. But perhaps he didn't like it. He prefers to stay alone, or he prefers that I'm not present in his life. I don't know. And these things are killing me. I screwed up this semester because of these.

I'm still trying to study my own personality actually. Often, I'll act strange to cover my ugly side of me. If I really were to act normal, people would have chosen not to cross paths with me anymore. I'm just... very ugly inside.

If I hadn't met him, will I perform so much better than now, much more motivated to do a lot of things, to hold leadership posts and everything? Will I be a natural leader, gaining favor from my Creator and people? I know my destiny, but if I don't do something to save myself from this problem, I'm just wasting that opportunity.