Stressed but sweet

I'm almost being pushed to the brink. So stressed up with assignments! I wish someone will come and just have a talk with me. But anyway, everything was fine after Japanese class. But I still wished that all classes are cancelled so that I could just take a long nap. A looooong one.

Today's my room mate, Artur's birthday. I had been planning for a surprise celebration for him since Monday. Yesterday, I even walked to town to get those relighting candles. Thank God I found them. Just a prank for the birthday boy. Just now, as planned, I went to Secret Recipe to collect the Black Forest cheese cake and kept it in the fridge. It was a challenge to make sure Artur doesn't come down and see the cake.

A little after 10.30 p.m, friends from nearby houses came. We gave him a good surprise. After enjoying the cake, some of them proceeded for supper, but here I am now, to complete my assignments.

Well, it's worth the effort, as long as Artur is happy.

The screwed-ups!

Tell you what screwed up my life today.

1. Feelings. Emotions. Well, as you know, it's has been quite some time I had this problem. It seems every little thing that doesn't go my way will tick me off thoroughly. I get annoyed very easily. I just love to be in control. It's very irrational and I know it. Something has to be done about this. Or else, I'll either be very unpopular, or this shit will drive me crazy.

2. Migraine. It has been quite a while I have this mild pain on the left side of my head. Besides, there's this little hardened stuff on my face immediately beside my left ear. I suspect that both are linked. Maybe the hard stuff restricts some blood to go to the left brain. Hopefully, it's not stroke, though there is a possibility.

3. Assignments and classes. I was supposed to meet a lecturer with some seniors on our assignment. It's a presentation. However, we all were not prepared well as the lecturer required. Therefore, the meeting wasn't fruitful. Well, at least we know now what to do. Then, I had Tamil class. I totally forgot about the assignment given last week. Everyone submitted except me. Although it's easy and I can pass it up tomorrow, I felt bad.

4. Cravings versus weight and cash. A few weeks ago, miraculously I didn't crave for food as much as the past. Things were great at that time. But soon after I recovered from my recent sinus, my cravings increased rapidly and I just feel like munching all the time, especially when I feel lonely. On the other hand, I'm worried about my weight and wallet. I successfully dropped a few kgs earlier and I was hoping to drop more. And my budget. I want to save up. I don't want to use that much of the scholarship. I NEED TO CURB MY CRAVINGS! Screw my life!

While walking home from Tamil class, I was alone. Under the rain. But it's something worth to be thankful, because I can have some personal time to reflect upon myself.

Oh...

No joke. Today, there were light showers a few times and heavy downpours. I cannot even hang and dry my clothes which I washed yesterday night.

Anyway, it's a public holiday today, and our church had visitation from the university students in Kampar. We had so much fun together. After that, we had lunch. Everything was wonderful until evening. I mean, it wasn't because of the Kampar students. They left after lunch. What I mean is when my room mate is back from his hometown.

I don't know how to explain. It's so weird. When he's back, my heart felt heavy. I was very unhappy. No... I don't hate him. I'm not angry at him. But it's just weird. I felt much happier without him around. As if I'm in control. But then, I'm not competing for name and fame with him. I don't know. But good that I can control my emotions and not letting it out. Just rationalise

and analyse the reason I had those feelings.

Luckily, a TESL friend invited me for dinner. Met some other friends and we sat together. My mood turned better. I guess I'm friend-dependant. It's not good because it shows that I'm insecure. Whatever it is, I hope that I won't give up and give in to the bleak moments in life. It's not as bad as I see.

A new me?

This morning, I went to church with a joyful heart. Could be from yesterday's fellowship. The happiness and the joy of fellowship with the family of the faith.

So what did I do today? Let me recall... Had lunch after church service, cycled to a friend's place, caught in the rain and cycled anyway, soaked, what else... yup.. and cell group. Everything was nice and fine today.

But then, these made me realise that certain things in my life I've not dealt with. Some personality or attitude issues. I wished they were solved long, long ago, but it is still around and haunting me regularly. Mood swings and emotional problems will emerge and I can sense them coming out. I think I'm just insecure. Praying that God will make this a good thing to train me and not a form of testing which if I fail, I will bear the consequences.

Anyway, I'm so full of joy today. I'm not sure whether because it's a holiday tomorrow, or there's no assignments which I have to rush at the moment, or just simply because my room mate is not around. Just feel thankful to God for this day. Anything to deal with, I guess I'll just have faith in God and not to lean on my own understanding.

No rest

It was a very busy day for me. Didn't have the time to lie down and take a nap. It started in the morning when I had to wake up earlier to revise my Chemistry because of the test at 9 a.m. Prior to that, I was already very tired travelling to and fro Kuala Lumpur for the interview. It was a challenge to wake up.

Anyway, I was just in time for the test. After test, I went for the Fire Brigade meeting. We had foot drill and fire hose drill. Obviously, that costed me lots of energy. On top of that, it was very hot and I felt my energy being drained out from my body. Then, I accompanied my course mate to town for lunch and also to shop for groceries. I had to prepare spaghetti for church tonight. An activity to show love by cooking. The trip in town took 2 hours.

And so I had no time to nap like I used to on weekend afternoons. After preparing the food, thankfully, I had a group of people to deliver them to church via church van. I cycled to church. Nevertheless, all the sacrifices and effort were not in vain because of the fellowship we had on the table. Everyone was with full of joy. It was so heartwarming to see such a scene. Therefore, the effort worth something. And I'm glad my spaghetti with mutton in the tomato puree turned out well. Thanks to my group members.

Meeting an old friend

After class, I took the commuter to KL. It was to meet my father's long-time friend, Dr Ridzuan. My group was supposed to interview him. He is a medical doctor, a cardiologist at Pantai Hospital, Kuala Lumpur.

We met at Bangsar LRT station first. Then, we took a cab to his house uphill. This place is not unfamiliar to me as I've been coming here so often since my father works in this area. Upon reaching his house, which I would love to call it a mansion, we were greeted by the maid.

Soon after that, we started the interview. Dr was such a friendly man. He wasn't even proud of himself for being in this position. Though there were many interruptions during the interview, especially the calls from the hospital, he patiently answered our questions and even offered us a lift after that. Such were the kind gestures this old friend of my father showed. He's just so humble and I admire him a lot.

Though I may not be like him, I do hope that when I get into a very high social position, I would still be humble but firm with my beliefs.

No energy

Slept late yesterday night. Felt so tired in the morning and wished that I didn't have to get up from bed. But I had no choice as I had to make a trip to Taman Bernam to submit my assignment. That was the same assignment that sacrificed my sleep.

After submitting it, I took a walk uphill. About 500 metres, I turned back and returned home, waiting for EC class. After lunch, I went for another class, which I managed to pay much attention.

Hey, today is kind of mundane. I lost the energy and enthusiasm. Can't explain why.

Exhausted

I felt a little tired today. Emotions are unstable again. Have been exercising but muscles are getting weaker than before. Don't know what is happening to me.

Going to stay up late tonight anyway. Not going to talk much this time.

Is it true that the weather affects one's mood?

What a day...

Morning class was cancelled. WOOOHOO!!!

I get to wash my clothes and dried under the Sun! WOOHOO!!!

Manage to pay attention during Biology class! WOOHOO!!!

People said that the best is always at the end. True enough. I had quiz and speech test during Tamil class. I had to recite the speech my friend translated for me last week. It wasn't very hard, but it was quite long, so it was still a challenge to me. The first few lines were easy.

Have to improve my Tamil. Practise makes perfect. Yup!

The smell of the sea

OK Malaysia won the football match with Indonesia. Something to be rejoiced nationwide. My heart leaped, trust me, but I'll talk about something else.

We had dissection today for Biology experiment. We were to observe the structures of slimy and aquatic creatures. It's definitely a nightmare for me.

At first, I was drawing a live snail. I already had that little fear and disgust in me. I'm not a fan of all these slimy creatures. Suddenly, my lecturer placed a squid on a rubber board beside the snail. I got a huge fright and yelled. The squid wasn't disgusting. It was just so abrupt that I thought my lecturer put something scary there. Luckily I didn't scream like a girl. Still, my lecturer laughed at my reaction. My friends, too.

The lab session did not end with a happy mood. Not for me. Things were unpleasant, especially the odour. I would rather dissect a mice like what I did in Form 6. And my friend wasn't feeling well today. She left for the Health Centre while doing the experiment. Hope she's okay now.

Tired like...

As I promised myself earlier, I woke up earlier to attend the Chinese church instead of the Tamil church. All the while, my room mates woke up earlier than I. This time, when I was preparing to leave the house, they were still sleeping. They were very tired I suppose.

Let's skip the service. We had to decorate the hall for Christmas. Initially, everything was fine. Many were helping out. Soon, one by one left. And before we knew, only a handful of people left to manage the decorations. I did felt tempted to leave. After all, I had to clean the toilet at home.

But I stayed. We started at about 11am, and everything ended at 4pm. Even then, nothing was perfect. We were just so tired and burnt out. I wasn't sure how those who were there think, but I know I wasn't feeling happy and alright.

During cell group, I can sense my anger raging up. Tried to reason it, but I just can't seem find one. But I knew very well that I'll have to keep my peace, or else, things will be ugly. Somehow, my emotions leaked a little, but I quickly recomposed myself and said something nice.

Looks like there's much more room of improvement for my emotions management, though I believe I've improved much since I had this problem.

Under the Sun

It's so great to be under the Sun!

I had Inorganic Chemistry test this morning, so I had to join the fire Brigade for the afternoon group. As expected, it was very warm and sunny. After one hour of lecture, we moved to the courtyard of the Rahman Talib hall for foot drill.

We were taught new drill steps. Initially, I felt a little silly. There were too many steps to remember, and what's more, we had to do it quickly. After lots of repetition, I slowly mastered the steps.

Actually that wasn't the best thing of the day. The best of it was, I was under the Sun! It felt so nice! I just love the warm embrace of the Sun at high noon. People might think that it's crazy, it's hot, and whatever... They will do whatever to keep themselves in shades. But if I'm eccentric, so be it! As long as I like it, who cares?

Not that easy

I felt lighter today. My soul, i mean. I don't feel the burden weighing me down like the past few weeks. Perhaps this is what we call, joy.

You know, I used to get jealous very easily. I'll get irritated very fast, too. Somehow, miraculously, even though I may feel like that today, I thought it was quite easy to let it go instead of feeling bitter. Yea I know it's strange. How would you like to explain it?

Went to PERKUPSI today. The person in charge talked about the story of Christmas. It's so mind-blowing. There were so many interesting facts which we kind of ignored, like the Magi did not find Jesus as a baby, but a two years old toddler. Besides, Joseph and Mary had to bear the trouble to travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem for the census, face the social pressure and run away to Egypt to escape Herod's wrath.

It's not always easy and convenient to follow God's will. Patience and perseverance are needed. And I learnt to be a little mature when I deal with things.

I guess it's a good, peaceful day today.

Secretary me

Ok, let me recall what had happened today.

Forget about what happened in the day. Let me focus on what happened just now.

It's the inaugural Annual General Meeting of the English Debate Club just now. The club never had a formal AGM before this. The president, Sanjay wasn't officially the president. The newly elected president is Thilaga. I become the secretary. Aww... How could it be? Secretary posts are normally reserved for girls in UPSI. Perhaps I should break their mindset that guys too, can be effective in being a secretary.

In this club, most of us are TESL students. It's a norm for an English-speaking club to be filled with TESL students. And I feel special to be in this club because I'm the only non-TESLian. Hopefully there will be more non-TESL students joining this club as we need their brains as well.

Cravings!

Not again.

I believe I'm recovering from my sinus. Maybe I lost too much heat. My body is signalling me to eat more. Can you imagine after having a heavy meal, you don't even feel that you are half full?

I had Japanese language class today. The topic was about... yup.. food. Sensei mentioned about expensive chocolate brands like Godiva and Fererro Rocher. Right there, in the middle of the class, I CRAVED FOR CHOCOLATES! It's so, so, so crazy!

Too bad, I forgot about it after class. I only remembered I wanted to buy something. At the end, I only bought a bottle of pasta sauce and some instant noodles.

I don't know what else to write about. I just feel like sinking my teeth into some savoury and sweet treats.

Recovering

Yup. I'm recovering, despite the little muscle aches. Overall, I'm getting better.

I want to talk about that friend again. But then, I don't know what to say. It's better not to hope too much. We don't talk as much as we used to. It's as if I do not exist. And I don't know what to do now. Is it worth the effort to treat him well? Not that he knows. Even if he knows, will he even appreciate my effort?

Many times I thought he should have a comfortable bed to sleep, so I helped him to make his bed. He seldom or never makes his bed. What do I get at the end? He deliberately thanked another room mate. He teased me instead of thanking me. I had two things in mind, "That feeling sucks!" and "What a jerk~!"

But at the same time, was I stripping off his ego? Some guys must do certain things only by themselves without a single interference from anyone. Not even close friends. What's more, he doesn't even consider me his close friend, I guess.

Now he's watching Lost alone. He didn't even bother to ask whether I want to watch it together. Who am I to get mad at him, anyway? On what basis should I raise my temper? None, actually.

Ah-choo!

By reading the title, any right-minded person would understand what it means. Never had such a wonderful (sarcasm intended) experience like this.

The day started with my Chemistry class being cancelled. Good news? The best was yet to come. Anyway, I had a little time to fold my clothes, which I wanted to do since the break started. The weather was hot, sunny, awesome.

Just before I left home at 1p.m., I already felt my nose running like a tap. I cycled to campus and quickly grabbed something to eat. Miraculously, it stopped immediately, when I started munching. During lab, I sneezed like crazy again. As gross as it may be, yea, into my lab coat. I sneezed until I felt like blur.

After lab, I craved for some savoury, hot food. I always believe that if I cater to my cravings, my sneezing will stop at once, no matter how weird my cravings could be. I went to the Education Museum's cafe. Total bummer. They said rice and noodles are all sold out. Yea, can't blame them. It's already 3 p.m. So what I had was a plate of nuggets and a glass of cold tea. Can't describe how awesome that feeling was. If only it was a plate of rice with dishes, it would be better Nothing beats that at that particular time. Just.. you know... cravings.

Then it's 3P class. We didn't do anything practically except two inventory tests. MEDSI, nice to see you again. And another one.. I don't remember the name. While doing, maybe I shouldn't tilt my head to look down when I have sinus, I sneezed again. On my lab coat, again. Ugh! I even heard some laughters in the room. Well, what could I do? It wasn't my choice to sneeze like that, was it?

Earlier on, I had plans to have cheaper dinner from now on. Either eat less, or eat cheaper food. But because of this sinus I'm having, I'll have to give in to my cravings. I just needed to eat more. So I went to this Chinese shop which serves a rather huge portion for dinner. Ahh.. the contentment!

So that was my day. Not over yet. Muscles are aching now. Looks like I'll have to rest...NOW.

Am I suppose to keep quiet?

During cell group just now, I shared about love, which in Greek, can be classified into eros, philos and agape. I may be talking about love, but I cannot justify what I did and what I thought the entire day since morning.

Okay I didn't feel alright. I have no clue what had happened.

This morning, there were some leftovers of the Foochow delicacy, Kompia which a senior bought yesterday. They'll definitely taste better if heated, so I heated them a little on a wok without oil. Then I offered this friend of mine to take some before attending church, since those lovely dough we not meant for me alone. I was just practising hospitality. You know what was his reply? Without even looking at me, he said, "Oh, I don't like to eat Kompia, unfortunately."

Now, what the hell was that suppose to mean? Why "unfortunately"?

Later, whatever he did, it was like as if I never existed. He greeted everyone except me. Whenever I talked to him, I felt that he's trying to avoid me.

What on earth did I do that I offended him? Did I just steal his lover or what? And whatever reply I give, be it a compliment or a friendly teasing, he just didn't like them. Is this my problem or what? Or, am I supposed to just keep my mouth shut because I'm not worthy to be your friend? I wish he could be honest to tell me what he didn't like about what I did or say.

It's so hard. And tormenting. I don't want to lose this friend. I never had any bad intention. Is showing love even considered a sin? I could see that he's getting close to some friends. It's not wrong, but I felt abandoned. And I don't think I understand him.

At the same time, I have some ugly thoughts in my mind too. I think they kind of grew from the bitterness and hateful feelings inside. I kept asking God for forgiveness and to save this friendship. But if he is meant to just be a temporary friend, I can't say much. But deep in my heart, I still need a guy friend who can identify with me and whom I could trust my problems and secrets and weaknesses with. While I'm still trying to be a friend like this to people around me, I hope to find such a friend, too.

I bet after reading this, he might even think that I'm a wierdo. Whatever.

But love is patient and kind, isn't it?

Of ups and downs

One of my favourite Foochow delicacy is Kompia, especially the ones in the town of Sibu. Since my last trip to East Malaysia, I've been having that craving for the simple yet heart-warming dough.

Late afternoon today, one of my housemates came with a plastic bag. It was filled with Kompias! He said a Sibu friend asked to pass that to me. I think it's because of my Facebook status days ago. I said I missed Kompias. The plain type which is from Sibu. I'm so touched by his gesture.

This is one of the little things that make me feel loved and appreciated. Yes I do. Food does play an important role in my life, to curb cravings, to lift up my soul, for fellowship and to make someone happy.

On the other hand, I think I'm into this problem again. My emotions. No, not that I threw tantrums or what. I felt unimportant. Don't wish to explain. Hope things will go better tomorrow.

Crabs Again!

I woke up very, very early in the morning despite not having enough rest. I only slept at 1am.

After a quick wash up, I brought some friends, as decided earlier, to Pulau Ketam. We took the early commuter to KL Sentral for breakfast, then another train to Port Klang. The time in the train seemed short when there's a whole bunch of crazy people ranging from Semester 1 juniors to a graduated senior. We just talked and laughed and giggled all the way in the commuter. I pity the passengers who needed a short nap before work starts, but were denied of that opportunity due to our noise.

At KL Sentral, we met with another friend with his parents. That made 20 of us in the trip. And we took about half an hour to reach the island.

Due to our large number of people, we took longer time to move about. Everything seemed to have got our attention. It wasn't like that last Tuesday! Some of us rented bicycles while some of us preferred to go by foot.

While walking, those who cycled went very far away. We found a place with local delicacies and we enjoyed them so much! Poor guys who chose to cycle far, far away. Then I decided to text them that they are missing out something. Immediately, they called back and asked for our location. It was just so funny!

The grand finale was lunch. We had seafood package which costs us only about RM 20 per person. It's already very cheap.

This trip was awesome.

With the smell of fried crab on my fingers, I'm posting this and I'm about to log out.

Who am I now?

It's kind of strange recently. At least to me.

I think I switched roles unconsciously with a friend. To me, he's someone who was insensitive, selfish and occasionally blur. Sorry... his blurness was as often as the rain in Tanjung Malim. Because of these traits, I actually don't know what to say now. I just... I just felt hurt at times. I tried to be a thoughtful friend, yet was returned with such unfair treatment. I didn't deserve them!

Today, I became a rather selfish person. I used to love to spend on my friends, treating them lunch or dinner, or just buy something nice to munch for them. But now I'm not. I only thought of my own wallet. Instead, he was kind today. He was kind to open the door for everyone who came in or out of the house since he's seated near the door in the living room. After dinner, he bought some buns for the housemates. That's really nice of him.

Strange, right? Maybe it could be explained psychologically, or maybe, God made it so.

Was it a good thing to be what I didn't like earlier? Was it a good thing to be in his shoes? I guess no matter what, I shall retain my good traits and to be selfless, not a fish monger.

Flow gently for me

This morning, I dragged myself up from bed. Had to pack up to go back to Tanjung Malim. Before that, I'll have to take a train to Klang to tag along the van that was coming back here.

We had Klang Bak Kut Teh for brunch. It was.. woowwwww~ I shall not describe for the sake of some readers who may not like or may be offended by this type of Chinese cuisine. Then we traveled back to Tanjung Malim.

The moment I reached home, I quickly grabbed my short pants and towel and cycled to the East Gate of the campus. I'd made an appointment with a TESL junior to have a dip in Sungai Samak. It was really a coincidence. We were chatting on Facebook last night. He told me he was alone in the hostel and bored because all his friends have gone back to their respective hometowns. Poor thing. Then along the lines of the conversation, he mentioned about exploring this little town. I asked whether he had heard of Sungai Samak and eventually invited him to visit that place. He was happy with that idea and quickly agreed as we had not been there.

We cycled there. First, we checked out on some possible fun spots. The best thing was that the water was clear. I don't like murky water. We identified a few and we started with the one near Teratak Riverview campsite, which was the furthest we went. At some parts of the river, the water was swift and deep. Obviously it was thrilling for boys like us. After about an hour, we'd decided to switch spot. Getting ashore was quite a chore as we had to swim against the current. We could have easily been washed away by the mighty waters. We cycled towards the main road and continue hunting for possible spots.

The next spot was a calm site. The river was deep enough and the current was slow enough for a jump. However, I noticed a small school of fish taking shelter near a tree from the current and an army of water striders on the surface of the river. As I have a little phobia for fish, i jumped on the other side. Without those two pesky little creatures, I would have a great time jumping into the river again and again. We only spent a few minutes there.

The third spot was under the bridge. There is a part where the river makes a U-turn. It was deep. Actually, the depth of a river depends on season and weather. Sometimes, a heavy downpour will wash the sands away from one part of the river to the other part. We really had a good time there. There was even an area which is like a V shape. So deep that I can't even stand on it.

After all the current defiance and sun tan, we left, with our hearts lingering at that place.

Wasn't it strange that I didn't ask anyone out but this TESL junior? I could have asked my course mates who didn't went back home. Or some housemates. Oh yea. My room mate wouldn't be interested, that's why i didn't intend to invite him in the first place. I guess I'm quite close to TESL juniors. I'm not even a TESLian.

Within the Klang Valley

This morning, I took the earliest bus to the Serdang commuter station to catch a train to Port Klang. I was heading to Pulau Ketam. But before that, I had to meet my friends who are spending their holidays in Klang.

The journey to the Crab Island wasn't too tough. From the Port Klang KTM station, it's only a minute walk to the jetty. The ferry took about half an hour to reach the island.

Basically, there's nothing much in that island but stilts. Everything is built on stilts. This Chinese majority village island has no cars at all. Only bicycles were seen. Other than that, electricity-run bicycles or bicycles that run on some fuel. Definitely not petrol. There's no petrol station in the island.

We had seafood for lunch. Oh my... It's so so so so expensive. You probably can get even cheaper and better offers in KL. Why would this little island earn like nobody's business? Why not, if that is one of the only few means to generate income in the island, as it is separated from the mainland. Can't blame them, though. It's a tourist place!

Why am I home?

Hey I'm back at home. In Serdang.

You know, I expected to spend some time with my family. But, it just didn't happen. My family is busy with their own chores. Everyone has lots of things to do. It doesn't make any difference whether I'm back home or not. Feels more at home in Tanjung Malim.

I'm thinking about going back to Tanjung Malim. There's nothing to do at home. I'll be surfing the internet all day long. My friends are not free. So it's like no point coming home.

In dilemma now.

I'll be bringing my friends to Pulau Ketam tomorrow. I'll take it as a pre-trip to scout around for this Friday's actual trip. Will be bringing another bunch of people there on Friday. After the pre-trip, I'm not sure whether I should just take a train and shoot straight to Tanjung Malim, or head to Serdang.

Over.. It's holiday now!

Today's Sunday and it's church day. Also Raya Haji day. After church, I only took a nap. It had not been a productive day.

However, I'm a little comforted, perhaps excited that I'm finally going back home tomorrow! No... not that I miss home. I just thought that I should go back home to spend some time with my parents. They're cool people and I love them!

Also, I may want to catch up with the hustle and bustle of the metropolitan Kuala Lumpur again. Kind of miss the air pollution and the noise. It's just so.. KL!

It's about faith and endurance

This morning, I went to Batang Kali and Serendah towns to distribute tracts with some friends. As usual, these Chinese settlements have lots of dogs, be it wild or domestic, and that is the only difference. What I mean was that these dogs are all fierce, regardless whether they are reared of not.

There was this house with the gate wide open. The moment I stepped in, 3 dogs came and barked at me. Thank God that I had two dogs at home and I kind of know their behaviour. Running away will surely be a wonderful disaster, so I slowly walked in and whistled. Slowly, the dogs retreated and sat aside, as if they are welcoming a guest. Finally, I succeeded giving a tract to the house by putting it on the grill door. Without faith and endurance, I would have easily quit.

Isn't it the same for relationships? I think there's something strange between my friend and I. We were not close as we used to be. Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps there's nothing but an inaccurate intuition. Whatever it is, it takes courage and trust between us and faith in God to keep this friendship.

Just another day

I wouldn't want to talk much about today.

I had only 2 hours of lecture this morning. We got back our Inorganic Chemistry quiz paper. Cut the long story short, I obtained a perfect score. The paper was very easy actually. But the best thing is, this score made my confidence leaped. Awesome, isn't it?

Going to watch another episode of Lost later. Room mate was ill. Hope he gets better.

What title shall I put here?

I don't know what to say about today. Definitely it's not a pleasant day. But I believe I am the one who controls what I feel, not other people.

My day started with a room mate who was not having an 8 a.m. class doing his laundry in the bathroom. He refused to use the washing machine because hand washing is cleaner, said he. I had lab at 8, but he wasn't even bathing. All he did was to wash his clothes and it he took so much time. I was almost late. Only about 20 minutes before 8, he came out. After washing up, he was sitting on my way. To save time, I threw my clothes across the room to the table and I left the room hastily. I bet he didn't know or didn't care about it. He was only concerned about his assignment.

I was so angry when I left home. Why is he such an inhibitor? Can't he be an enzyme? Only much later, I heard a still, small voice. I quickly said a prayer to ask for forgiveness for having such anger, and in my heart, I forgave him.

After that, it was EC. We had a test. Let's go straight to the result. I got 7.5 out of 10. Many other people got 8 or 8.5. I wasn't happy. How can they even get that mark? I'm obtained Band 5 in MUET and what are theirs? Some of them barely got a Band 3. Ok I know I sound like a puffed up guy, I'm proud, I'm cocky, but still, who would believe that a Band 5 guy gets a lower mark than those who can't even speak proper English?! But then, I have to learn to be humble.

Actually I felt worse during lunch. First, it rained and I was almost soaked. Then flies and cats are disturbing me when I was eating. Later, my friends came and one of them was my room mate. Another room mate. I asked what he got for EC since he took the same test days ago. He got 8.5. What the hell?! I mean, WHAT THE HELL! Few weeks ago, he was praised for presented his assignment well in class. I was given a rather discouraging remark. And now he got a higher mark than I. Can I say a bad word now?

This same guy spoiled my day again. Early in the morning, he boiled some noodles and left it on the table. I thought he might have cooked some for me, too, but since I was rushing for lab, I didn't ask and I only text him to ask if some of it was for me. He replied, saying that it was for those in the house who wanted to eat. Then I told him that very likely it will be untouched, since he didn't inform the household. True enough.

Later, I thought of keeping that for dinner so as not to waste food. I even text him again to tell him not to throw and I want to have it for dinner. He said he didn't want it as it may spoil, but I assured him that fermentation won't happen so fast. After discussion with a friend outside, I came back home. And guess what? Bingo! He disposed them. Awesome friend. He could be thinking that I should not risk my stomach with it, but hello... the noodle wasn't even wet with sauces or what. Should I give him a medal for being kind? Whatever. Had to have my dinner outside. Alone.

Sometimes I think, am I not entitled to my feelings? If I show that I'm upset, congratz! I just became an unpopular guy. Everyone hates me. If I remain my smile after some brainless fella offended me, he thinks that I can be messed with. And I constantly need someone to be with me. Is that wrong? Is that too much?

Lesson for today? Forgiveness. Humility. Love anyway.

Being Tested

Today is the day where my knowledge on what I'd learnt the past 7 weeks is tested.

The first test was Japanese Language. We were told to master Hiragana writings because that is what we will face on our test papers. Okay it wasn't too difficult. I admit that it's kind of hard to memorise all the Hiragana letters which do not have any relations to the languages I knew. Fortunately, the test was in the objective form. The best of all was, some answers at the back actually complimented the questions in front. Hiragana identifcation became so easy.

Good things won't last long, anyway. At night, it was Biology test. I didn't manage to study much. They just didn't want to get into my brain. And it was tough. Half of the marks belonged to the essay which I barely had an idea of it. Wow... great....

Never mind. Looks like I have to put in a lot more effort in my studies.

Perfectionist

I always wanted to be the best of the best since young. To be specific, my kindergarten days. When I was merely four years old, I started looking at the mirror and thought that I didn't look as good as my older brother. He was just so much more handsome than I.

I didn't allow any imperfection to happen to me. If this happened to someone, I'll make sure I won't follow his footsteps. I'll jolly well make sure that I'm the best and I have the best.

Ironically, the more I deliberately be a perfect person, the more imperfect I become. I wanted to score well in my exams and top the class. I couldn't. Someone beat me along the way. And as time went, I lost again and again. Somehow there will be people who could beat me.

Now, I wouldn't dare to ask for more. I know I will never reach that standard. I only strive to be a good friend to anyone. I'm a good listener. I try to stand in their shoes. I even availed myself previously to be 24-hours standing by. Anyone who even texts me in the middle of the night will be given a prompt reply.

Yet it is a total bummer if I were to expect for a friend like that. Who would be so foolish to get up in an ungodly hour to reply text messages? Nevertheless, I still wish for a friend like that, whom I can have heart-to-heart conversations, a warm embrace when either one of us is down, a pat on the back to encourage each other, share similar passions... There's none like that here in this varsity.

I have this jealousy and anger when the good I showed is not returned. It has been very often as this friend of mine is not sensitive to people's feelings. You could even say that he's one selfish guy. Sometimes I was so heartbroken that I gave a dirty face to everyone, like girls when they are having their difficult time of the month. But who am I to judge him? What if something in the past caused him to be like this? It's very difficult to love someone like this. And often I blame myself for not being perfect, that is why I'm somehow disliked, or hated.

It's ok. The French says "de rien", which means it's nothing. I shall continue to love this unlovable person anyway, at the same time, improve my weaknesses.