During cell group just now, I shared about love, which in Greek, can be classified into eros, philos and agape. I may be talking about love, but I cannot justify what I did and what I thought the entire day since morning.
This morning, there were some leftovers of the Foochow delicacy, Kompia which a senior bought yesterday. They'll definitely taste better if heated, so I heated them a little on a wok without oil. Then I offered this friend of mine to take some before attending church, since those lovely dough we not meant for me alone. I was just practising hospitality. You know what was his reply? Without even looking at me, he said, "Oh, I don't like to eat Kompia, unfortunately."
Now, what the hell was that suppose to mean? Why "unfortunately"?
Later, whatever he did, it was like as if I never existed. He greeted everyone except me. Whenever I talked to him, I felt that he's trying to avoid me.
What on earth did I do that I offended him? Did I just steal his lover or what? And whatever reply I give, be it a compliment or a friendly teasing, he just didn't like them. Is this my problem or what? Or, am I supposed to just keep my mouth shut because I'm not worthy to be your friend? I wish he could be honest to tell me what he didn't like about what I did or say.
What on earth did I do that I offended him? Did I just steal his lover or what? And whatever reply I give, be it a compliment or a friendly teasing, he just didn't like them. Is this my problem or what? Or, am I supposed to just keep my mouth shut because I'm not worthy to be your friend? I wish he could be honest to tell me what he didn't like about what I did or say.
It's so hard. And tormenting. I don't want to lose this friend. I never had any bad intention. Is showing love even considered a sin? I could see that he's getting close to some friends. It's not wrong, but I felt abandoned. And I don't think I understand him.
At the same time, I have some ugly thoughts in my mind too. I think they kind of grew from the bitterness and hateful feelings inside. I kept asking God for forgiveness and to save this friendship. But if he is meant to just be a temporary friend, I can't say much. But deep in my heart, I still need a guy friend who can identify with me and whom I could trust my problems and secrets and weaknesses with. While I'm still trying to be a friend like this to people around me, I hope to find such a friend, too.
At the same time, I have some ugly thoughts in my mind too. I think they kind of grew from the bitterness and hateful feelings inside. I kept asking God for forgiveness and to save this friendship. But if he is meant to just be a temporary friend, I can't say much. But deep in my heart, I still need a guy friend who can identify with me and whom I could trust my problems and secrets and weaknesses with. While I'm still trying to be a friend like this to people around me, I hope to find such a friend, too.
I bet after reading this, he might even think that I'm a wierdo. Whatever.
But love is patient and kind, isn't it?
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