Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Perfectionist

I always wanted to be the best of the best since young. To be specific, my kindergarten days. When I was merely four years old, I started looking at the mirror and thought that I didn't look as good as my older brother. He was just so much more handsome than I.

I didn't allow any imperfection to happen to me. If this happened to someone, I'll make sure I won't follow his footsteps. I'll jolly well make sure that I'm the best and I have the best.

Ironically, the more I deliberately be a perfect person, the more imperfect I become. I wanted to score well in my exams and top the class. I couldn't. Someone beat me along the way. And as time went, I lost again and again. Somehow there will be people who could beat me.

Now, I wouldn't dare to ask for more. I know I will never reach that standard. I only strive to be a good friend to anyone. I'm a good listener. I try to stand in their shoes. I even availed myself previously to be 24-hours standing by. Anyone who even texts me in the middle of the night will be given a prompt reply.

Yet it is a total bummer if I were to expect for a friend like that. Who would be so foolish to get up in an ungodly hour to reply text messages? Nevertheless, I still wish for a friend like that, whom I can have heart-to-heart conversations, a warm embrace when either one of us is down, a pat on the back to encourage each other, share similar passions... There's none like that here in this varsity.

I have this jealousy and anger when the good I showed is not returned. It has been very often as this friend of mine is not sensitive to people's feelings. You could even say that he's one selfish guy. Sometimes I was so heartbroken that I gave a dirty face to everyone, like girls when they are having their difficult time of the month. But who am I to judge him? What if something in the past caused him to be like this? It's very difficult to love someone like this. And often I blame myself for not being perfect, that is why I'm somehow disliked, or hated.

It's ok. The French says "de rien", which means it's nothing. I shall continue to love this unlovable person anyway, at the same time, improve my weaknesses.

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